My Sign Says
Chinese takeout in classic paper box

Hangry Over the Coronavirus? Here’s Where to Order Food Based on Your Zodiac Sign

We’re all making the best of things right now during the coronavirus pandemic. It’s not an ideal situation, but all we can do is keep calm, carry on–and order take out. If you’re not sure where to eat, let astrology be your guide. Here’s where to eat tonight. Remember to tip your delivery person extra and tell them to leave it on the porch!

Aries (March 21-April 19) 

In these dark times, there’s only one thing that can sustain you: meat. (Okay, vegetarian Aries can eat something else off the menu.) Outback Steakhouse offers curbside take-away so you can head “Down Under” without leaving your car. If you don’t have an Outback nearby, find a local restaurant that does a classic steak, baked potato, and salad dinner combo.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) 

Comfort food means something different to everyone, but for Taurus, you can’t beat fried chicken and all the fixins’. We’re talking mac and cheese, biscuits, and slaw. We don’t want to start another fried chicken war, so take your pick of Bojangles, KFC, or Popeyes.

Gemini (May 21-June 20) 

Geminis like to customize their food–or, even better, control every ingredient. That’s why Moe’s is the perfect choice for your dinner tonight. You can get as much variety as you want on your burrito or nachos–and they’ll pack it up to go.

Cancer (June 21-July 22) 

Health is important to you, Cancer, especially when it comes to what you feed your family. Order a fresh, nutritious Mediterranean meal featuring chicken or fish and vegetables. Zoe’s Kitchen is a good choice for a chain restaurant, but any local restaurant that serves quality Greek, Italian or Turkish food.

Leo (July 23-August 22)

You know what would be good right now? A juicy, delicious burger topped with all your favorite things. Five Guys is the best national burger chain, and you can have it delivered to your door with GrubHub, Doordash, or Uber Eats.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)

Virgo, there’s only one thing that can save you right now. Well, that’s not true. Staying at home, washing your hands, and practicing social distancing are the best ways to stay healthy. But after that, order yourself some sushi.

Libra (September 23-October 22) 

What’s for dinner tonight? Italian! A big cheesy bowl of carbs is what you need right now. Go with Olive Garden if you have one nearby, or else order take-out from a local Italian restaurant. Don’t forget to order extra breadsticks.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21) 

Scorpio, the best thing about staying home is that no one can see you eat ribs. You can gnaw those bones and suck those fingers without worrying about judgment. If ribs aren’t your jam, order some barbecue or wings.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21) 

Pizza party for one? Why not! None of us is certain how the future will evolve, thanks to the pandemic, so why not eat an entire pizza by yourself tonight? (Editor’s note: Please don’t do this.) For real, though, Sagittarius can’t go wrong with pizza, salad and beer.

Capricorn (December 23-January 20) 

Break out the chopsticks, because it’s time to order some Chinese food. You can get enough variety to tickle your bored tastebuds–plus we all know that Chinese food reheats really well. You can even order a larger amount than usual, then portion it out and freeze meals for the next few weeks.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18) 

Your health is the most important thing, so don’t use the self-quarantine as an excuse to eat junk food. Order yourself a big, glorious salad with lots of toppings. Don’t forget the protein, either! If you’re not into lean meats like chicken or fish, consider adding beans or another source of veggie-based protein.

Pisces (February 19-March 20) 

One word: soup. Pisces needs comfort food, and that means a delicious soup. Maybe head to your nearest Panera drive-thru for a bread bowl filled with chicken and wild rice soup? It’s filling, nutritious, and a lot better than eating Pop-Tarts for every meal.